February 29, 2008

Thread of souls: A tapestry that leads to a private hell

The Earl was a quiet man who had a thing for his servants especially his younger female servants. No one dared to raise their hand against the Earl for if they did they knew they would be killed and their daughters taken for his service. One day however the Earl made a mistake that cost him much more than just his life.

The earl was getting tired of his old servants and wanted an new one for his pleasure. He strode into town with two of his men and kicked open the door of the first wooden house he saw. In there laid a woman spinning a thread her daughters sitting by her side. The woman had four daughters in total all equally beautiful. The earl took the oldest daughter first and left with her for a month.

Each month the Earl would come for a new daughter. The mother would never protest neither would the daughter. The woman just keep spinning her thread making a tapestry of some sort. The only thing the woman requested was a clip of her daughters hair before the Earl took them away. She would then put the hair into the tapestry itself. The Earl thought it was a little bit strange but hardly worried about it.

When the Earl was done with the last daughter he came back to find the mother. She was almost done with her tapestry. It was a beautifully draw tapestry with a back round image of a forest in the spring.The Earl went towards the women he tapped her on the arm and beckoned her to come with him. When she did not listen he pulled her arm and tried to take her away from the tapestry.

Meanwhile the Earl's two men where waiting outside the door for him heard a horrible scream. To scared to see what had happened to the Earl the ran off back to the castle. Screams could be heard through the whole night but the villagers ignored them fearing that the Earl had gone crazy and decided to torture the women weaving the tapestry.

A year later the woman went into the town and placed her tapestry in the town square with a white sheet over it. The next day she unveiled the tapestry. What shocked the people was not only it's beauty but the realism of the man in the tapestry, in fact many claimed the man looked like he was made from real human skin.

In the tapestry two wolves had jumped on the man and where eating him, over the course of the next month the wolves would eat more and more of the man until nothing was left.

The villagers where horrified by the tapestry so the killed the woman. They took the woman the next day and hung her outside the town and let the spiders feast on her body. However they could not destroy the tapestry no matter how much they tried. Now once a year a select group of villagers goes with a criminal usually a sex offender down into the hidden vaults of the town. The leave the criminal alone in the room with the tapestry. When the villagers go to check on the man the result are always the same: a picture of two wolves eating a man and a woman sitting near the man smiling. She weaves a new tapestry in the picture, the tapestry spells out a series of four numbers:


No one in the town knows what this series of numbers mean.

No more spiders exist in that village.


Today is the 29th of February. A pretend day that comes only once every four years. Few know the magical story behind this nonexistent day, but I have hacked into government files of doom and have discovered the true story.

It all started in the year 6. The Mexican professor Ivan McDurvan was inventing a way to make Cheetos purple. His machine backfired on the 28th of February and caused a rift in space-time (not time-space, the two are completely different) which caused the earth to leap into itself. It was stuck inside itself in a nonexistent paradox of death for an entire day until Ivan McDurvan was able to reverse the effect using the effect-reverse machine. Unfortunately, the rift opens up every four years because a powdered doughnut was stuck in the circuitry causing it to explodinate and thus creating a spoodle in the universe's atmosphere which re-opens the hole on a basis measured by the amount of population it takes to fill up the island of Guam. Basically, it always equals four years exactly after the 28th of February. So, every four years the rift sucks the earth inside itself while everyone is sleeping and we enter into the nonexistent day of February 29th. We are quietly returned to normal 24 hours afterwards. However, every time the earth makes the jump, a few people are left behind with small about of the earth's life force. This means, eventually, that everyone on earth will disappear inside the earth and then the earth will die trapping everyone in the nonexistent 29th of February on a nonexistent earth.

Some believe the tale, others think it's government nonsense. What do you believe?

February 22, 2008

GDC Roundup

The Game Developer's Conference took place this week. Here are some of the highlights:

If more interesting news develops, you'll see it here first!

Brawl Characters: Swordsmen

I was going to do more of these, but I got lazy. If you'd like to learn more about the fighters of Brawl check out Smash Wiki. Since I already wrote a profile for Pit, I'll post it anyway. So... here you go.


Pit is the hero of the Game Kid Icarus on the NES and bodyguard of the goddess Palutena. He is a fairly quick character who strikes swiftly with his twin blades. Unlike most characters, Pit has three jumps. He can jump once and flap his wings twice in the air for a very effective recovery. If you hold down the jump button on his second jump, he will glide. This makes for a good horizontal recovery if you are sent flying off stage to the far right or left. Pit also has fairly strong multi-hit smash attacks. While jumping, Pit's up areal causes him to spin his bow above his head. Not only is this a good attack if you want to hit someone above you, but it also gives you an extra boost to your jump.

Special Attacks:

Up special: Palutena's arrow- Pit fires fast traveling arrows from his bow. You can charge up this attack for further distance. His arrows fly really far really fast. You can also change the trajectory of the arrows by moving the control stick up or down during the arrow's flight. Try using this technique to grab the smashball from afar.

Sid special: Angel Ring- Pit spins his bow in front of him. This attack can be used for as long as the user wishes by continuously tapping the special attack button. Pit remains immobile while using this attack, however. Try using this attack on a ledge after knocking someone off a level, that way they'll be unable to get back up. This attack also deflects projectiles.

Up special: Wings of Icarus- Pit's wings glow blue and he gains the ability of limited flight. This is an excellent recovery move and makes it almost impossible for Pit to fall off of a level. When the move is finished, pit can glide. It is believed that pit can use standard attacks while flying.

Down special: Mirror Shield- Pit pulls out a large shield that blocks attacks and reflects projectiles in the direction he is facing.

Final Smash: Palutena's Army- An army of Centurions fly across the screen at high speeds. They attack opponents a single time, then disappear. Each attack does 15-25% damage.

February 18, 2008

Seinfeld Post

It's a post about nothing!

Random filler until I have something good to post:

Fear the giant ant of Brunswick for he will be the judge of the beholder. When the time is nigh, only he can restore balance to the sandwich. The earl shall break out of his holding property of Mr. Farly and exclaim, "I am what I am and that's all that I am. If I was any more, I wouldn't be me. So... bananas." All will be calm for three days and three nights until the great Badgermole of Destiny ascends upon the bald man's head, for only he can recite the Creed of the Grassblades. When this prophecy is foretold, it shall be predicted, then summoned to jury duty. After all is said and done, the Grand Eraser of Dunemark will implode inside the Forest of Hope and spread said hope throughout the land. After a series of horrible plagues that will kill off half of the Asian population, a century of peace will bestow the world with itself. Only the one who can speak French backwards in a boat will fulfill the requirements to initiate the Grand Peace of All Time.

Will it be you?

February 14, 2008

Looks like I missed one

How the hell could I forget...

Super Awesome Brothers?

Awesome Pt. 2

Awesome the Hedgehog:

Legend of Awesome:

Shadow of the Awesome:


Prince of Awesome:

Awesome Fantasy VII:

Metal Gear Awesome:

Katamawesome Damacy:

Resident Awesome 4:

Awesome Rising:

Awesome's Creed:

Finally, my favorite... Awesome Crossing:


In honor of St. Flabinshline, I present to you the full collection of "Awesome" game parodies.

Awesome Kong:

Awesome Dug:


Awesome Center: Under the Awesome:

Awesome May Cry:


Dead or Awesome Extreme:

Just so the post doesn't explode, I'll proceed to add the rest in another post.

February 13, 2008

Dragonball returns

Dragonball fans, get ready. Later this year, like every year, a new Dragonball game will be released. This year's lucky candidate is DBZ: Burst Limit. Unlike the Tenkaichi games of the last three years, Burst Limit will return to the tried and true formula of the first three Budokai games. For those of you not familiar with the games, that's a really good thing. Check out the trailer below:

In a related story, it looks like the live action movie will also finally be happening, though it's not quite what everyone had expected. The movie in the works focuses on the end of Dragonball, not Dragonball Z. It'll most likely take place during the final fight between Goku and King Piccolo, leading up to the fight between Goku and Piccolo Jr. The cast is as follows:

  • Justin Chatwin as Goku
  • James Marsters as Piccolo
  • Jamie Chun as Chi-Chi
  • Emmy Rossum as Bulma
  • Chow Yun-Fat as Master Roshi
  • Joon Park as Yamcha
  • Eriko Tamura as Mai (Where's Pilaf and Shu?)
  • Texas Battle (awesome name) as... his character is unrevealed. Krillin maybe?
  • Luis Arrieta as Teto, an original character
  • Randall Duk Kim as Grandpa Gohan
  • Ernie Hudson as a random kid who aids Goku
The film is directed by James Wong (The X-Files), produced by Stephen Chow (Kung-Fu Hustle) and James Wong, and written by James Wong and Ben Ramsey. The movie is wrapping up filming in Mexico City and Montreal, Canada and will be released worldwide on August 15, 2008.

February 1, 2008

Brawl Rant 2.0

Well, we now know everything. So what do I think? Well, feelings are mixed. I will say that I am quite pleased, for the most part, with the stage selection. Let's face it: it's HUGE!! 41 stages, a huge selection of new stages and a bunch of old favorites from Melee. That being said, I think they should have included some Smash 64 stages (Hyrule Castle and Saffron City, anyone?). Still, a great selection overall. Rating the stages (and characters) I will use a scale of common terminology from the interwebs: from EPIC WIN to UBER FAIL. I'd have to give the stages an EPIC WIN. Great stuff here, plus you can design your own.

Now, the part everyone wants to hear about: the fighters. There is uproar and anarchy in the streets over the "clones". Let me break it down for you:

Ness. No one expected Ness to return. I didn't. Even though he's back, he's technically not a clone. Yes, he's an unlockable character, but if anyone is the clone it's Lucas. Ness came first, therefore he can't be a clone. Stop complaining and deal with it. Technically, this time around there are no clones in the traditional sense. They are semi-clones. Cloned character's standard attacks are completely different, and special attacks have different properties. Lucas is basically Ness for the common man. Not many used Ness, and he's still plays the same, but Lucas is fairly easier to use.

Ganondorf is 95% more badass this time around, but unfortunately still a semi-clone. His special attacks have changed slightly to try and further himself from Captain Falcon. His attacks seem cooler this time around and his final smash is awesome (TP Ganon). I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time when I found out Ganondorf was still a clone. I was hoping he'd have new moves but, at the same time, I was relieved because I was kind of sad that my good 'ol Ganon would be different. Well, he's both. And I don't mind.

R.O.B. was a big WTF character that no one expected, but he actually looks like a rather good character. I'll go more in depth about him in later updates, but for now just know that he does not suck.

Marth is back and his attacks are slightly altered. For the better, as far as I know. He now stabs forward for his standard 'B' attack. He also has the most powerful final smash of anyone, known as the 'fatal strike'.

Luigi's back and hes been cheated out of his vacuum. He does, however, win the craziest final smash award. He goes on some kind of crazy shroom drug trip. It's awesome. You've just got to see it for yourself. But now is not the time. A later update.

Lucario is a semi-replacement for Mewtwo. He has similar attacks, but is different enough to be his own man. He actually looks more accessible and easier to play than Mewtwo was. He's got what I call a "final flash" as a final smash attack.

The bacon returns! Mr. Game and Watch is back! He seems more or less the same. G&W turns into a giant octopus as a final smash.

The most uproar has been caused by Falco and Wolf. While both "clones" of Fox, they actually have fairly different play styles. As I said before, they all have different standard attacks, but each one has varied special attacks (except, of course, when it come to the final smash- LANDMASTER!). Falco now has super badass twin guns. His reflector is also thrown now instead of activated on his person. He may also be slightly faster. Wolf, on the other hand, is more of a power character. His gun has very short range, but is significantly stronger. His up special is not fiery, and his side move sends him up at a 20 degree angle. People need to stop complaining and deal with it.

Then there is "Toon Link". Link from the Wind Waker. His attacks are the same as Link's old attacks and he has the exact same final smash as Link does. Also, for some odd reason, he's not cell shaded. WTF!? This seems to be the most unnecessary character to me.

Just for the record, Captain Falcon is back and for his final smash he runs over everyone in his racer.

So, what do I think? I'm not disappointed. People complaining about it bothers me. You don't have to use clone characters if you don't have to, and when you think about it, there are a lot of great new fighters. I mean, come on! Snake, Sonic, Meta Knight, Pit, Diddy Kong? Awesome. The thing that baffles me is the unlockables. If it was me, I would have started out with just the basic old roster with no new fighters. You'd have to unlock almost everybody. I'd probably have Mario, DK, Link, Samus, Kirby, Fox, Picachu, and Yoshi to start off. I think it would be a lot more interesting that way. There's not that many unlockable characters to begin with. Starting with the same amount of characters as the entire roster from the last game seems ridiculous to me. Overall, though, I think it's a pretty good selection with plenty of new fighters. People need to stop complaining about it. After everyone gets the game, no one will care any more. Five years from now, no one will care. Everyone should just have fun with it because, frankly, this game is going to be incredible regardless of how many clones there are. I give the roster a WIN.

Pictures of Hilarium

Gas prices around the country.

Ronald McDonald and The Burger King play a friendly game of soccer.

Sony in a nutshell.


Don't mess with Dunecat.

You just go ahead and try to figure this one out.

And finally.... this one speaks for itself: