Pokemon: Win or Fail? 0-15

Because December is apparently Pokemon month, I will attempt to analyze the designs all 156 new Black & White Pokemon for you, the reader. But most importantly I'll tell you if they win or fail.

I apologize ahead of time for the black boxes that cut off the bullet points, and for the outlines in some of the pictures (they go away if you click on them). That's just the way it is!

• Name: Victini
• Number: 000
• Type: Psychic/Fire
• Species: Victory Pokemon (wtf?)
• Looks like: utter stupidity
• Awesome factor: 0/10
• Trivia: Victini is the only psychic/fire type Pokemon and the only to be numbered 0. 

To start with, Victini sounds like an Italian name which means he's obviously friends with Snookie. His design can best be described as "lame." What the hell kind of classification is "victory Pokemon" anyway? That doesn't mean anything! He's apparently based on usagi-ringo, a method of cutting apple slices to make them look like rabbits. What? No seriously, what? Overall, I'd say he's adorably stupid. Those weird wing things are pointless, the eyes are way to big, his arms and legs look awkward, and his nose is a dot. But don't let his stupid cuteness fool you, those ears are made for impaling and those fangs make him that much better equipped to eat your flesh.
FAIL

• Name: Smugleaf Snivy
• Number: 001
• Type: Grass
• Species: Grass Snake Pokemon
• Looks like: a douchebag lizard 
• Awesome factor: 1/10
• Trivia: Tsutarja has the lowest base stats of all the grass type starters. How fail.

So this was one of the few Pokemon to be given an english name. It's not smugleaf, but it's almost a dumb. Snide+ivy=snivy. Get it? Yeah, it's pretty stupid. But just look at him, he just screams disobedience. And what the hell kind of snake has arms and legs? We already have one grass lizard starter and we don't need another! He apparently absorbs energy from sunlight and his tail droops when he looses energy. So he's like a really stupid version of charmander.
FAIL

• Name: Janovy 
• Number: 002
• Type: Grass
• Species: Grass Snake Pokemon
• Looks like: a fancier douchebag lizard
• Awesome factor: 1/10
• Trivia: Janovy has no trivia!

So now his arms are replaced with pieces of grass. Hooray? He's also got some leaves on his back and a useless doodad on his head. His name, unfortunately, makes him sound like he's from the Ukraine.
FAIL

• Name: Jalorda
• Number: 003
• Type: Grass
• Species: Royal Pokemon (really?)
• Looks like: a royal douchebag snake
• Awesome factor: 4/10
• Trivia: Jalorda is the tallest starter and the only one without legs. Something about that statement seems strange. 

So now that it actually looks like a snake, it's not classified as a snake any more? Wow. I wonder what would happen if somebody grabbed this thing's collar and tried to peel it. I mean, don't you just want to? He is, however, significantly cooler looking than his other forms. Still, though, he looks like a total jackass and for that I had to take him down a few notches.
MEH

• Name: Tepig
• Number: 004
• Type: Fire
• Species: Fire Pig Pokemon
• Looks like: an unholy rabbit/pig combo
• Awesome factor: 1/10
• Trivia: He has the lowest base stats of all fire starters. (fail)

So this guy is much more adorable than he is awesome. Unfortunately, we're not giving out points for being cute here. Tepig (tepid+pig=tepig– stupid, isn't it?) has bizarre rabbit-like ears and a pointless ball on the end of his tail  which reminds me of another pig-based (and equally fail) Pokemon, Spoink who also has useless orbs on his body. Also, this artwork makes Tepig look like he either has three legs or two legs and a giant penis. 

FAIL

• Name: Chaoboo (wut)
• Number: 005
• Type: fire/fighting (again!)
• Species: Fire Pig Pokemon
• Looks like: an old time strong man
• Awesome factor: 0/10
• Trivia: He's the only Pokemon with a base stat total of 418. 

I didn't think it was possible, but he's even lamer than his last form. He looks like a 1920's strong man, which we all know isn't the most awesome thing ever. He looks like he want's to be tough, but in reality is just fat. And what's with that fail tail? A big, dumb, lame blob. And what the hell kind of name is "Chaoboo"? Boo indeed. 

FAIL

• Name: Enbuoh
• Number: 006
• Type: fire/fighting (again!)
• Species: Big Fire Pig Pokemon (no shit)
• Looks like: a murderous flaming death hog
• Awesome factor: 6/10
• Trivia: He's loosely based on the golden solar boar of Norse mythology. 

Again, we have a final evolution that is significantly more awesome then his pre-evolutions, and probably my favorite final form fire starter since Typhlosion. His mouth is completely invisible with only giant protruding teeth being noticeable. He's got a giant freaking beard/shoulder pads made of fire. His lame ears turned into huge angry eyebrows. Even his lame puffy tail looks better. He is truly intimidating. I'd rate him higher, but it looks like he's wearing a tube top.

WIN

• Name: Oshawott 
• Number: 007
• Type: Water
• Species: Sea Otter Pokemon
• Looks like: a sad clown otter with a snowcone for a head
• Awesome factor: 1/10
• Trivia: He has the lowest base stat total of all water starters. (fail)

Oshawott (fail name) is lovable in a strage way. I just want to give him a hug because I know nobody loves him. That being said, he's definitely not awesome. And I still can't tell if he's holding a seashell or if that's part of his body.

FAIL

• Name: Futachimaru
• Number: 008
• Type: Water
• Species: Training Pokemon (wtf)
• Looks like: An otter in the middle of an intense presentation. 
• Awesome factor: 5/10
• Trivia: His design is based on Sanurai's 

I can't decide if this ridiculously long named Pokemon is in the middle of a dance, a presentation, or if he's hoarding something. Whatever he's doing he looks pretty intense doing it. At least his head is an appropriate size and color now and those baby freckles have turned into full on whiskers. It looks like he's wearing a dress, though. Or is it a giant blue mustache...?

MEH

• Name: Daikenki
• Number: 009
• Type: Water
• Species: Dignity Pokemon (wtf)
• Looks like: A Digemon
• Awesome factor: 6/10
• Trivia: n/a

No, I did not make a mistake. This is what the sad clown otter evolves into. A bearded walrus with a giant spiny shell hat. Not a bad design, but the fact that it looks more like a Digimon than a Pokemon is kind of a negative because, well, he's a Pokemon.

WIN

• Name: Minezumi
• Number: 010
• Type: Normal
• Species: Lookout Pokemon
• Looks like: This game's bidoof!
• Awesome factor: 1/10
• Trivia: He's based on a prairiedog/ chipmunk/ meerkat. 

Expect to see a lot of these fail guys at the beginning of the game. I mean everywhere. It's one of those. The pose either says "Don't bother me now I'm spying on naked women!" or "Don't cross!". I'll let you choose. Either way, there's no denying those bloodshot eyes are creepy.

FAIL

• Name: Miruhog
• Number: 011
• Type: Normal
• Species: Precaution Pokemon
• Looks like: This game's bidoof's evolution!
• Awesome factor 1/10
• Trivia: His tail is taller than he is– but you can probably tell that.

So this guy looks like an angry, stuck-up, crossing guard of a groundhog. And he still has those bloodshot eyes.
FAIL

• Name: Yorterry
• Number: 012
• Type: Normal
• Species: Puppy Pokemon (d'aww)
• Looks like: a lame growlithe
• Awesome factor: 1/10
• Trivia: His name is (obviously) a play on Yorkshire Terrier. 

It's a fuzzy puppy. Why the fuzz is on its face is anyone's guess.

FAIL

• Name: Haderia
• Number: 013
• Type: Normal
• Species: Loyal Dog Pokemon
• Looks like: a dog
• Awesome factor: 1/10
• Trivia: n/a

It's looks like a dog with a silly mustache and eyebrows.
FAIL

• Name: Murado
• Number: 014
• Type: Normal
• Species: Leniency Pokemon (wtf)
• Looks like: somebody needs a haircut!
• Awesome factor 0/10
• Trivia: n/a

Not sure what they were thinking with this one. The flowing hair on him is a bit much. Yeah, it just looks totally ridiculous. And that name sounds hispanic. 

FAIL

Stay tuned for more judgements!