April 5, 2016

Seven of My Favorite Corny Game Themes

There's a lot of video game music out there, but every so often we get some lyrical themes. Sometimes these are awesome (like in Portal or Metal Gear) but other times they're incredibly cheesy or goofy. Deep down inside, though, we all know that's the best kind. The recently released Xenoblade Chronicles X is like a Mecca for this kind of music, with many of the games songs being so corny they're awesome. That got me thinking of other cheesy game themes, so I've compiled this list with some of my favorites.

Oh, and sorry about the weird formatting. I don't really want to attempt changing it.
Song: Kill or Be Killed
Game: No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle
This song is just absolutely goofy as fuck and probably my favorite song on this list. It's got some kind of crazy funk-jazz fusion thing going on featuring such intense engrish that I can barely understand anything (I swear to god she says "no pasta for you") and then a random section of narration by some English guy for no apparent reason. It's totally ridiculous and I love it. Unlike some of these, it's a perfect fit for its game.

Song: Captain Falcon
Game: F-Zero GX
Fun fact: if you view the character profiles in F-Zero GX, each character has their own theme song. Captain Falcon's is... something else. As several people on YouTube have pointed out, this might as well be a song about Jesus. These lyrics are so golden that they deserve to be printed here in full:
In this world you've got to be strong/ You've got to fight to keep your spirit alive/ And you might feel like there is nothing left to go for and fight for/ But it's the fight that keeps us ready and on guard/ Even I can feel feel the power/ When I think of him I see no fear, feel no pain/ Forever he will be my hero/ (Better believe he knows the way)/ And not just only for tonight/ And now that I'm not just a dreamer/ (And I know I got what he's got)/ And not just only for tonight/ I've got power/ I'm gonna fight to win/ I'm gonna fight to the end
Not quite the direction I would have gone in for a badass like Captain Falcon. Also, there are way too many "and"s.

As a side note, I always loved the hell out of Blood Falcon's themewhich is basically the polar opposite of this. It's way cooler.
Song: Katamari on the Rocks
Game: Katamari Damacy
Probably the most famous song on this list, and how could it not be? It's just so lovable! I'm honestly not sure why this song has lyrics at all but I'm thankful it does because few things in life bring me as much joy as a grown Japanese man yelling "NA NA NA NA NANA NANA NA KATAMARI DAMACY!"

Song: Eternity
Game: Blue Dragon
Holy hell, slow down there guy! This track sounds like an amazingly bad 80s cover band. It's not even that the lyrics are stupid, what really makes it is Ian Gillan's singing. He somehow manages to sound like a confused old man and it's truly majestic. I can't imagine how this song got approved. Nobou Uematsu composed the music for this and surely must have listened to the finished product and said "Yes, this is good boss music. Let's use this and not change anything about it." Let me repeat that: Renowned Final Fantasy composer Nobou Uematsu wrote this piece of music, with lyrics by Final Fantasy creator Hironobu Sakaguchi, which was performed by Ian Gillan. And it turned out like this. It's like a shitty miracle that this was borne into existence.

Song: Black Tar
Game: Xenoblade Chronicles X
Like I said, this game is basically cheese fondue, but Black Tar is one of the first songs you hear and it's a great example of Hiroyuki Sawano's lyrical genius. Some of my favorites include: "Get armed. Don't look back. Shoot them with your guns, yes." "We're stuck on a different planet." "Not to sound cliche, but this world sucks." "Wishing to see the sunrise but the sun doesn't rise in this sky." I mean, the basic concept and message of this song is a good idea that's fitting within the game, but the lyrics could use a serious rewrite.

Song: Title Theme
Game: Code Name S.T.E.A.M.
This one seems like the pinnacle of lyrical laziness, although I suppose one might have to be a genius to come up with rhymes this bad. I certainly don't think I could even if I tried. And somehow the patriotic march just emphasizes how bad they are. My favorite line is probably: "Yes, the American dream won't run out of steam. Not with you on our team!" But, man, just about every line is terrible. You can sing along with this handy karaoke video. DO IT FOR AMERICA! 

Song: The Won-Stoppable Wonderful 101
Game: The Wonderful 101
Before The wonderful 101 came out, I downloaded and played through an enjoyable demo of it. After completion, I was met with the usual splash screen outlining the game's features and a trailer showing me what was in store for the full game. But I wasn't paying any attention to that. My mouth was agape as my ears went on a journey. I was not expecting this song. I couldn't believe it existed! The game's soundtrack is pretty heroic, and I was down with this song for the first 25 seconds, but then it went too far. Another song about a team, it's pretty much just as bad as the S.T.E.A.M. theme. But you know what, I'm glad this one exists, if only because it has the line "Go team, demolish those fiends! Toss them in the garbage can!"

I'm sure there are some great songs I totally forgot to include (no I didn't forget the DK rap) and many I've never even heard. So what are some of your favorite lovably dumb game themes?

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