August 27, 2010

The worst review ever written

So Metroid: Other M comes out this upcoming Tuesday and today was review day. A lot of reviews have gone up today, and currently the game has a metascore of 80. Scores range from 6.3 to 9.5. Basically, it seems like a love it or hate it game. One review (thankfully) not factored in was that of G4's Abbie Heppe. It's the biggest joke of a review I've ever read in my life. Seriously, she just downright gives woman a bad name. It's just absolutely ridiculous how subjective and biased it is. But the worst part is that it was written by a woman and complains how Samus isn't portrayed to her liking. Well, just check out the video review below and you'll see what I mean.

Was that not absolutely fucking ridiculous!? She's even got this bitchy attitude the whole time! The review is slightly more fleshed out in the text review, but it's just basically more complaining about how they made Samus a human character with human problems who is relatable, rather than a silent, generic, armored heroine. I mean, seriously? You're not happy enough that there's even female protagonists in games, but you have to complain about the way they're portrayed!? SEROUSLY!? So they made Samus an unlikable character. So what? What if Samus was a guy? Would you still complain? Yeah, she'd probably say that there's not enough female heroes. Say Samus was a guy and Adam was a girl. This Abbie here would probably praise the game for having 1. an emotional male lead who takes orders from a woman and 2. a strong female commander who orders you around. So basically, the problem here is that she's a damn feminist. This is bullshit. Don't have these people reviewing games whether they're men or women. I think Abbie here is the one with the issues. Perhaps the story was so good that she connected with it on an emotional level and doesn't want to admit that. I dont' know, but there seems to be some sort fo unnecessary psychological basis for her crap.

And let's not forget this is a fucking video game! Really! Who the hell cares that much about this? If you don't like the game, I don't what to hear all the reasons why you're offended by it. Say you don't care for the characterization. It's all very unprofessional. In fact, I don't even think it's her fault. I blame whatever idiot let this crap be published. Somebody had to proofread and approve this, right? It just goes to show what kind of a website G4 is. And all the fuckhead commenters follow her opinion blindly? Needless to say, I will not be visiting again. My comment (wich was more respectful than this) achieved a score of -7 after only an hour. Wow.

So here's my rebuttal to you, Abbie: Let's remember that this game was made by a bunch of horny Japanese guys. Team Ninja, no less. You know, the guys who make Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, Ninja Gaiden, and freaking invented jiggle physics? They even allow you to control the boob jiggle in one game. Just be happy it didn't go that far. Samus is emotional. Sure, it may be a bit stereotypical because she's a woman, but (widely known fact) woman are more emotional. Her ass is everywhere? She says this as a clip of Samus in her Zero Suit plays. Hey, guess who created that? FREAKING NINTENDO DID! Team Ninja was simply using an existing Nintendo asset. It's not like they invented that to sex up the game or anything. And Samus was like that in Brawl. It wasn't a big issue there, so why should it be here? Samus takes orders from Adam because he's a man? Please. Ever heard of being respectful? I guess not, because you're not at all. Ever stop to think that Samus is being respectful to her old commander and friend? I guess that never occurred to you as you were blinded by feminism. It's people like you who set women's rights back 200 years.

Unfortunately, this is giving woman, woman gamers, and especially women game journalists, a bad rep. And I'm a guy. If you're a woman and you actually agree with Abbie, I'd love to hear why. Not because I think you're wrong, but because I'm interested to see if women think she's right. Personally, this has made me seriously think about what makes a good game review, and the game in general makes me wonder about the credibility of scores. It's been my goal to come up with the most objective, unbiased reviews on the 'net. I'm always trying to improve and have a few ideas in mind for the future. And whatever the future may hold, I'll make sure I'm never associated with idiots like this, whether they be male or female.

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