October 24, 2008

The Legendary Tale of Brachus the Whale

Brachus the Whale: Legendary Sheep Herder

Note: It's pronounced Bra-kuss

Far too long has it been since I've written a story. Time for some fun.

Legend tells of a whale named Brachus, the greatest sheep herder in all of Scotsdale. This is the tale of his most thrilling epic adventure/journey/battle. It was late one night when Brachus was scouring the fields for his missing sheep. A paperboy was stumbling along nearby delivering the middle-of-the-night edition of The Scotdale Infomationer. Brachus happened to take a copy and noticed that the cover story was about sheep going missing all over Scotsdale. Nothing boiled his cabbage more than sheep-nappers. Brachus blew applesauce out of his blowhole in a angry rage and declared that he would hunt down this crazy sheep stealer. He clapped his hands and the sun turned on, he clapped them again and called forth his battle llama. He reached into his side pocket and pulled out his mighty beefs. He bit off a chunk, mounted his llama and rode off into the horizon. By the time he reached the horizon, the horizon had moved so he kept chasing it for 83 days until he forgot why he was riding in circles. He bit off another chunk of beefs and refreshed his brain. Suddenly, it all came back to him. He remembered the guy that was stealing sheep. His cabbage now thoroughly boiled, he kept on. He searched through the Great Desserts of Hotland, the Ice Pops of Frigidville, and the Marshes of Swampenberg. Feeling as though he would never find the culprit, he assumed the fetal position and began bawling while stuffing his face with marshmallows. Some one came up from behind and tapped him on the shoulder. This startled Brachus and he automatically bit off the man's head. Another man came running up behind the first and told Brachus, "Look for the lights in the sky. There shall all things be made soft and squishy. In this land the one you seek is hiding disguised as a disguise. If you find him and defeat him all will be set right in Scotsdale. If you do not, it really won't make much of a difference. Sheep are expendable. You can always get more." This comment upset Brachus and he bit off this man's head too. But those words lingered in his mind. He looked to the sky and saw a bright neon sign that read: He's over here, you doofbutt. He followed it and found a glowwerm. The glowwerm belched and opened up a portal to next Tuesday. Brachus jumped in and was transported to an enchanted cement factory. The fiend was turning the sheep into cheap novelty items! Brachus could stand it no longer. He whipped out his almighty doom weapon: a stale french baguette. "Where are you!? I will tear out your eyes and make pudding with them! I shall mash up your body and use it as a seat cushion! I'll rip out your teeth and fingernails and put them back in the wrong place. I'll-" Brachus was cut off by a giant implosion. Platoons of headless raisins marched out of the machinery. "Fool," said a voice, "I am not to be dealt with. I am the Mighty Grand Master of Stuffs and you cannot defeat me." He walked out of the shadows. Brachus stumbled back. It was a monstrous sheep. "Why... why would you do this to your own kind." Because we suck. The Grand Master took out a pop-gun and shot himself 6 times in the head. He slumped over into a vat of cream cheese. "Noooooo!!!!!!" Brachus screamed as he ran to the vat. "I will set things right!" He took out a soup ladle and began to play a happy tune. The sheep all came out of their slumber of death. Brachus lead the zombie sheep back through the wermportal and into last week. He lead them back to the sheepy fields of Scotsdale. And all was almost as if nothing had happened. No one even bothered to question why most of the sheep were zombies. The disappearance of the neon sign disturbed several citizens, however.

And that was the tale of Brachus the Whale: Legendary Sheep Herder. It is said that every 6th month of every 12th year, Brachus leads the sheep into next Tuesday for an awesome house party with the headless raisins. When it happens, the neon sign returns and everyone is put at ease. But that's not all Brachus ever accomplished, before he was a sheep herder, Brachus was the greatest mariner that ever lived. But that is a story for another day.

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