September 22, 2005

The theory of Spatulating Pendulums

This is a bit complicated, so try and keep up.

Sometimes when the pork is undercooked, it causes massive heart failure on the part of the chicken's bladder. However, this does not apply to Canadian Bacon. Once the pork fat is extracted, then frozen, then re-extracted, it can be fully functional as a paperweight.

What does this have to do with the theory of Spatulating Pendulums? Well, you need a spatula to flip the pork as it is being de fatted. This spatula is in a suspended state of motion and can only be revived by true love's kiss. The problem is the molecules de-moleculerize and melt into a state of unconsciousness. If, however, the spatula were to be thrown to the ground and stepped on, it would become composed and ready for work.

If you have a grandfather clock, it probably has a pendulum. When the pendulum becomes tired of everyday life, it will, one day, walk off into the Void of Eternity. While there, he will learn the meaning of life and how to achieve peace and solve world hunger. The problem is that he can never share is knowledge because once you enter the Void of Eternity, you're stuck for, well, eternity.

What do you do when your pendulum is missing? You replace it with a spatula. The spatula then ticks the time away and becomes the Space Time Master. The pendulum is angry at this and pulls the spatula into the Void of Eternity, where they are pulled together by a force called "The Unipelecular Force".

And so, the Pendulum is stuck in the Void of Eternity forever. Not only that, but now he must spatulate for all eternity. The theory states that in 236789, the Spatulating Pendulums will be released into the world as the eldest and wisest and will rule over the humans. They will solve world peace, hunger, teach us the meaning of life, and how to flip the pork just right.

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